I remember what people said it would be like, when they came.  I mean we all do right.  We were inundated with the message for as far back as we could remember.  Try and think of a movie where the extra terrestrials weren’t trying to invade.  Ok, ok, fair enough, there was always E.T. I guess.  Of course that was just one alien who got a little lost.  On the other side Independence Day was popular and shortly before they came, there was Independence Day Resurgence.  Even Star Trek had good aliens but the truth is we are left with what dicks the Klingons were and of course those pricks the Borg trying to destroy the earth by going back in time.  But when the Chivalarians came to earth those movies wouldn’t be great guides.  Better preparing would have been brushing up on the jokes we make about over polite Canadians.

All that isn’t to say that there weren’t issues.  In fact there were plenty of issues and even some odd fighting going on.  I mean we are humans right, at the heart of it all we are truly just Xenophobic dumbasses.  So the Chivalarians came and the expected response came out right away.  In fact the craziest response came from the country that created the Hollywood image we had of invasion.  The Americans, having just completed a presidential election, were led by newly appointed President Trump.  I think we would have looked back on this as part of a big oops in history regardless of the arrivals of aliens or not.  He had a problem with Mexicans and Muslims in his country, this group from a whole other planet really fucked with his head.  Word was he had commissioned a report of the plausibility of building a wall in space to keep the Chivalarians out.  Turns out the Americans had neither the time nor the money, let alone technology.  And of course there was that little issue of needing the sun.  Although Trump put down that idea by claiming that it was the Sun causing global warming or at least the main culprit.  Funny as all these seemed at first and now, the problem was this guy was serious and he planned to react somehow.

The Chivalarians had come to us very prepared.  Having spent generations intercepting and learning to decode our television signals floating in space, they had started to study our psyche.  They had a pretty good set of psychiatrists, obviously, because they figured us out pretty quick.  They had decoded our languages and sent the first team prepared to communicate with all of Earth’s leaders.  But before they arrived they started sending messages directly to world leaders to introduce themselves.  They used our languages and our own television messages to help soften the shock with these leaders.  They sent the messages very carefully so our leaders could help soften the blow.  But regardless of how hard they tried, they knew there would be risks, and they were right.  Many loose cannons were in leadership positions.  They had not tried to communicate with the knob in North Korea that wasn’t going to work, guy had too much ego.  They didn’t decide to go directly to Putin in Russia, that guy had no idea how to handle information.  So they found leaders in other government officials that would keep it quiet.  Likewise in the United States, there was no way they would communicate with Trump, to be honest I don’t think they wanted to talk to the Americans at all.  They wish they could have ignored it like they did North Korea.  But obviously that wouldn’t work, so instead they contacted the CIA, in particular one official they trusted.  That is me, Cornelius Thompson.  I know, who the fuck names their kid Cornelius in the twentieth century.  Well my dumbass parents did, so I go by Corey, but in the spirit of full disclosure for this story I will tell you Cornelius.

I look back on this time and wonder how I am still here to look back on it, and why they picked an agent who, while respected was not anyone special.  I gather they spent a lot of time using social media to pick people out.  Until this moment, the honest to god truth is, I was looking for a career change, the CIA was really boring.  Yeah I said it, spying was absolutely no fun at all.  Essentially I got up like everyone else, I drove in rush hour traffic to an old building in Virginia and I sat at a computer and analysed newspapers, news programming, social media feeds, blogs, vlogs and anything else I could get my hands on to formulate opinions.  I was currently working on the really super exciting Canadian desk.  That is right, I was spying on Canadians for a living.  I had been working on the Middle East, specifically Iran, but Trump came in to office and the CIA changed, I wasn’t what you would call a Trump supporter.   Funny thing is I hated Bernie Sanders too, but I was caught in one rally because I took wrong turn, and figured why not go. Someone sent a picture to Trump’s new CIA appointee and to the Canadian Desk I went.

I have a lot of cool stories from my time but lets start with the shortest one.  The day I became a conduit for Alien information.

I came home from a hard day of work.  Actually who am I kidding, I spent most of my day browsing job postings on my cell phone and arguing with my ex-wife over our custody agreement on Scruffy, our 5-year-old Husky that had become the only battleground in the divorce.  After 3 years with Scruffy, we both loved the guy…. You know what, you don’t care Scruffy isn’t an Alien just a normal dog, maybe dumber than most.  I stumbled into the door and decided to order a pizza, cause I was single and needed to add to the pizza box collection on my counter.  The new apartment was small and cheap, perfect.  I kicked off my shoes and walked the 12 steps to my couch to start watching some Netflix.  As I flipped on Netflix and decided to watch some Narcos, yeah I was late to the party but was really enjoying it, the weird stuff started.  Narcos started ok, except then it flipped to some stupid Star Trek shit about Vulcans.  You know the nice Aliens, followed by a shot of first contact and then couple of other Alien movies where the Aliens weren’t so bad.  Then the doorbell rang, pizza guy.  When I got back I reset the Apple TV and flipped Narcos back on. I am watching it and all of a sudden Pablo Escobar says “We are the Chivalarians and are trying to contact you, we are very peaceful and we wanted you to see good visitors first, in the form of your movies.”

I dropped my slice on the floor, I didn’t remember Pablo Escobar being peaceful in the history I had read, and this was clearly the show jumping the shark or something weird.

“What the Fuck is this!” is all I could manage to say.

“No need for the bad language, it is not polite.”  Pablo Escobar said, ok definitely out of character here.  “We are an Alien race that will arrive in at your world in the near future. We wish to share our knowledge and create an exchange of ideas.  We can hear you through the TV, please respond.”

I sat there for a minute, in shock.  I started thinking of the explanations and came to three potential reasons for this experience.

1)Most Likely – My Pizza was spiked and I was eating Ham and LSD instead of the usual pineapples.

2) Someone was pulling an epic prank and had wired my house, but the problem was none of my friends were funny, I had no friends at the CIA and the truth is that seems like more work than you would get for laughs.

3) There was legit Aliens chatting with me.  I needed to call my mom.

“Alright fellas, let’s play this out, like I am really chatting with Aliens, what can a guy like I do for you?”  I asked

“Well Cornelius, we are contacting individuals who can help their government present our arrival as safe and friendly to the people.  Just showing up doesn’t work well in any of your movies.”

Alright, lets add a 4th option.  The Nigerian Prince Scam had taken on a very cool and very tricky way of approaching targets.  People were going to fall for this.  I mean why pick only me and a few others.

“Ok, fellas, how much money does your Alien need me to send to get them saved from whatever the pitch is.  How much do I get back for sending you it, I think I know the drill and I don’t think I am interested.”  I shot at the TV, realizing someone would call the police if they saw this.

“Cornelius, pardon our language, but don’t be an asshole.  Do you think we would fly 6000 light years to try to hook you in a Nigerian Prince Scam and the best we could do is talk through your T.V.”  Aliens with some wit this was getting fun.

“Ok what is it that you want.”  I had decided to play along for this one now.

“We need you to talk to some safe people within the government, some people who will be friendly and help break in the public and your stupid President before our arrival.  We will be prepared for a fight and will have only defences.  It would be easier if everyone got along.  We will not be able to make another contact so please help them at least not attack without talking.  We will arrive in five months.  Good luck Cornelius, our next contact everyone with a telescope will know about us.”

I fought of the urge to post this awesome experience to Facebook and decided I would give it a shot, at least I would have some fun for the next little while.  When it turned out to be a prank, I would just laugh along.  Work was boring, this would be fun.  I went to sleep that night, surprisingly easily, and decided I would deal with the logistics the next day at work.  You know instead of working!

 

 

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